New Year's Eve

I had planned the perfect New Year’s Eve.  Alex would meet my flight at 6:30 p.m. in San Diego and we’d pick up Thai food on the way to Escondido, where we were housesitting.  Alex would lay wood in the fireplace and I’d set the “good” china on the glass coffee table.  We’d sit on pillows and the fireplace and  candles  would illuminate our dinner. The dog wouldn’t beg for food and the cat wouldn’t jump onto the coffee table and knock over my wine glass. And at midnight, we’d kiss in the New Year. Instead, at 11:55 p.m., I stood among strangers at the Hertz Rent-a-Car parking lot in Los Angeles, praying for a rental car.  

Things had begun to go wrong early that morning. My niece had said, “Auntie Judy, be careful; the front steps are icy and the driveway looks like a frozen lake”.  I’d spent an emotional week with my family.  My sister, Mary, had recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and I had flown back east to help out. Driving to Boston’s Logan airport on icy roads merely added to my stress. We arrived with barely enough time for quick hugs and promises to keep in touch.

The flight departed on schedule and for some reason the pilot seems overjoyed at the prospect of spending the last day of the year flying us from coast to coast.  He said, “Folks, I anticipate landing in San Diego by 6:25 p.m. – a few minutes ahead of schedule.”  I felt exhausted and his cheerfulness irritated me.   I dozed.  I dreamed that my sister wouldn’t recognize me the next time I visited.  I awoke and forced myself to visualize a happy scene – Alex and me toasting the New Year.

At 6 p.m. the pilot announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, San Diego is blanketed in fog but we’ll circle for a while; let’s hope conditions improve.” He didn’t seem upbeat anymore.  I heard a collective groan.  Passengers pulled out cell phones.  Although I had my phone, I had no way of reaching Alex because we’re a one-cell-phone family.  I imagined him pacing at the airport.

Conditions didn’t improve.  We headed to Los Angeles and flew in circles, waiting to land.  The pilot hinted that the airline might make arrangements to bus us to San Diego.  I felt relief.  But all around me passengers muttered, “They never supply ground transportation.”  Text messages flew into cyberspace.  But I had no one to call.  I willed Alex to call me, but my cell phone sat mute in my purse.

We landed. There were no busses.  Some passengers deplaned.  I pictured myself renting a car and then getting lost in East L.A.  Alone.  With no way to contact Alex.  I sat paralyzed in the plane. Two women sat next to me.  For hours I’d overheard them chat.  At first their honey-sweet voices had been pleasant but with each passing hour the lilting sound began to grate on my nerves.  I had hoped that they would deplane in LA but they didn’t.  Their conversation affected me as if they were inconsiderate toddlers kicking the back of my seat.  I changed seats.

Later, the pilot said that the fog was lifting in San Diego.  But by the time we got clearance, took off, and flew back, San Diego was fogged in again so we turned around and, at 11 p.m., we landed at LAX for the second time.  

Customer service agents announced that the flight was cancelled, they had no bus transportation to San Diego, no hotel rooms and the flights the next day were completely booked. “We are very, very sorry.  Happy New Year.”

I followed the crowd.  A woman asked me where I lived and after I answered she said, “Those ladies live close to Escondido.”  She pointed – toward my two seat-mates!  Desperation humbled me.  I took a deep breath, approached them and asked, “Excuse me; I heard that you’re heading toward Escondido.  Are you going to rent a car?”  I heard the sugary voice say, “You’re welcome to drive with us.”  My eyes smarted with gratitude. 

I looked after Diane’s 86-year-old mother and their luggage while she called several rental car companies.  Most didn’t have cars available but she was persistent and at midnight she was signing a rental agreement. And as I stood with her mother in the Hertz parking lot, fireworks lit the sky.

 I reached into my purse, took out my cell phone and a moment later it vibrated.  I had somehow set it on vibrate mode so, although Alex had called me, I hadn’t felt the vibration through my purse!  I assured my panicky husband that I would be home in a few hours. 

I had planned a romantic Thai dinner; instead Diane, her mother and I hungrily wolfed down “In and Out Burgers” while driving south. And miraculously their conversation no long annoyed me.  In fact, as we got closer to Escondido, my shoulders relaxed.  Diane’s mother said, “Will we be late for church tomorrow?”  Diane replied, “Mom, I think God will forgive us if we miss Mass just this once.”  I thought, “Amen.”

At 2:45 a.m. my Good Samaritans dropped me at our front door. I opened my wallet and they shook their heads.  “We didn’t go out of our way and we enjoyed your company.”   I hugged them “goodbye”.  Then Alex hugged me “hello”. 

Fifteen minutes later, at 3 a.m. Alex and I sat on the couch in front of a cold fireplace sipping sherry wine from thick juice glasses. The dog rested his head on my lap and the cat sprawled on the back of the couch.  Together we snuggled into 2012.  This wasn’t the New Year’s Eve I’d planned but I’m sure it will be one of our most memorable.

Don't Get on the Dreaded Scale ~

The average person gains eight pounds during the Christmas holiday.  Eight pounds!  Eight pounds is nearly one dress size. Eight pounds feel like your jeans were washed in boiling water and then dried in hell.  Eight pounds is groaning climbing up the stairs and grunting when you bend over to cut your toe nails. Eight pounds won’t be ignored.

For us who add Mexican celebrations to our already food-laden holidays, those eight pounds might turn into ten because in La Paz holidays are stretched far beyond our willpower.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Evening, Dia del Santos Reyes (Jan 6^th…think hot chocolate and sweet bread with plastic babies hidden inside), and finally on Feb 2^nd,  Dia de la Candelaria (a tamale party hosted by those who cut into the baby on Jan. 6th). And, of course, we can’t forget the sweetest day of all – St. Valentine’s Day.

 But don’t despair, help is available.

Starting in October women’s magazines offer advice, first on how to avoid the weight gain, and then after the holidays, when readers are lugging around those extra pounds, they publish diets that they guarantee  will melt away the newly acquired weight.  And we buy the magazines.  We’re hopeful, desperate, and finally disappointed. Because there are two major problems with their approach:  first, the diet articles are sandwiched between photos and recipes of irresistibly gooey, sugary desserts, and second the suggestions only work if you’re anorexic.

Here are a few tips I actually found on the internet – honest-to-god:   

1.      To shave calories, go easy when adding nuts, cheese, cream sauces, gravy, butter, and whipped cream -- additions that don't add much to the meal. Don’t add much to a meal??? Who are they trying to kid? Turkey breast can’t be swallowed without gravy.

2.      Hold a mineral water in your dominant hand so it won't be so easy to grab food. No problem; I’m ambidextrous.

3.      Be a food snob. If you don't love it, don't eat it.  Great, I won’t touch the Brussels sprouts.

4.      Eating sensibly throughout the day will take the edge off the appetite and empower a bit of restraint.  Sensible eating just primes my appetite for decadent goodies.

5.      When you arrive at the party wait at least 30 minutes before eating. What??? There won’t be any food left.

6.      After dinner, try a spirited game of charades, or rent an instructional dance video followed by a dance-off. The only exercise our men want is going to the buffet table for seconds. 

7.      Skip the appetizers. Or choose veggies and fruit. Let’s see:  Blue cheese wrapped in filo pastry or celery sticks?  No contest.

8.      Put only two items on your plate at the buffet table. Return as many times as you like, but only take two items each time.  Pecan and Pumpkin pie – every time!

Can you see how nutty these suggestions are? But don’t despair. After losing and gaining the same eight pounds hundreds of time, I’ve come up with my own practical advice:

1.      Don’t stay home during the holidays.   Travel.  To a deserted island where nuts, cheese, cream sauces, gravy, butter and whipped cream aren’t available.

2.       Forget cookie exchanges.  Instead have a fruit exchange. Every person brings a piece of fruit for each guest, and at the end of the exchange, everyone will go home with enough fruit to give them the runs for a week.

3.      Go on an Overeater’s Anonymous cruise for 14 days. Where steamed veggies are the main entree and the plates are the size of a baby’s palm. A cruise that confiscates smuggled treats upon boarding and doesn’t allow land excursions.

4.      Find a doctor who will prescribe some old-fashioned diet pills – just enough to get you through the holidays.  You’ll be the hit of every party; not only will you rattle-on like a Carnaval blanket hawker but, long after the other guests have gone home,  you’ll scrub the hostess’s kitchen cabinets, linen closets and bathrooms.   

5.      Find a doctor who will sell you lithium – why not sleep through the entire holiday season?

6.      Check yourself into a hospital.  The red Jell-O and dry chicken breast will ensure that instead of gaining weight, you’ll be so weak when you leave; they’ll push you out in a wheelchair.

7.      Start a really big argument with your husband or your best friend.  Bring up the ugly past.  Guaranteed to ruin even the best appetite.

8.      Avoid friends who say, “Oh, I’m always forgetting to eat; look how lose my jeans fit.”  Or, “I’ve stuffed myself all season and haven’t gained a pound.” You know who they are.  Ignore them completely.

Get real, friends. You’ve got two choices:  You can remain slim but feel deprived or you can simply embrace the eight pounds you’re going to gain.  Enjoy each bite of special holiday food.  And be really nice to friends that are one size larger than you.  Ask them to borrow some of their clothes until you shed those extra pounds…sometime in April.  Or May.  Don’t feel timid; after all, they’ll need to borrow clothes from friends that are even larger than they are.

 Happy Holidays!