The average person gains eight pounds during the Christmas holiday. Eight pounds! Eight pounds is nearly one dress size. Eight pounds feel like your jeans were washed in boiling water and then dried in hell. Eight pounds is groaning climbing up the stairs and grunting when you bend over to cut your toe nails. Eight pounds won’t be ignored.
For us who add Mexican celebrations to our already food-laden holidays, those eight pounds might turn into ten because in La Paz holidays are stretched far beyond our willpower. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Evening, Dia del Santos Reyes (Jan 6th…think hot chocolate and sweet bread with plastic babies hidden inside), and finally on Feb 2nd, Dia de la Candelaria (a tamale party hosted by those who cut into the baby on Jan. 6th). And, of course, we can’t forget the sweetest day of all – St. Valentine’s Day.
But don’t despair, help is available.
Starting in October women’s magazines offer advice, first on how to avoid the weight gain, and then after the holidays, when readers are lugging around those extra pounds, they publish diets that they guarantee will melt away the newly acquired weight. And we buy the magazines. We’re hopeful, desperate, and finally disappointed. Because there are two major problems with their approach: first, the diet articles are sandwiched between photos and recipes of irresistibly gooey, sugary desserts, and second the suggestions only work if you’re anorexic.
Here are a few tips I actually found on the internet – honest-to-god:
1. To shave calories, go easy when adding nuts, cheese, cream sauces, gravy, butter, and whipped cream -- additions that don't add much to the meal. Don’t add much to a meal??? Who are they trying to kid? Turkey breast can’t be swallowed without gravy.
2. Hold a mineral water in your dominant hand so it won't be so easy to grab food. No problem; I’m ambidextrous.
3. Be a food snob. If you don't love it, don't eat it. Great, I won’t touch the Brussels sprouts.
4. Eating sensibly throughout the day will take the edge off the appetite and empower a bit of restraint. Sensible eating just primes my appetite for decadent goodies.
5. When you arrive at the party wait at least 30 minutes before eating. What??? There won’t be any food left.
6. After dinner, try a spirited game of charades, or rent an instructional dance video followed by a dance-off. The only exercise our men want is going to the buffet table for seconds.
7. Skip the appetizers. Or choose veggies and fruit. Let’s see: Blue cheese wrapped in filo pastry or celery sticks? No contest.
8. Put only two items on your plate at the buffet table. Return as many times as you like, but only take two items each time. Pecan and Pumpkin pie – every time!
Can you see how nutty these suggestions are? But don’t despair. After losing and gaining the same eight pounds hundreds of time, I’ve come up with my own practical advice:
1. Don’t stay home during the holidays. Travel. To a deserted island where nuts, cheese, cream sauces, gravy, butter and whipped cream aren’t available.
2. Forget cookie exchanges. Instead have a fruit exchange. Every person brings a piece of fruit for each guest, and at the end of the exchange, everyone will go home with enough fruit to give them the runs for a week.
3. Go on an Overeater’s Anonymous cruise for 14 days. Where steamed veggies are the main entree and the plates are the size of a baby’s palm. A cruise that confiscates smuggled treats upon boarding and doesn’t allow land excursions.
4. Find a doctor who will prescribe some old-fashioned diet pills – just enough to get you through the holidays. You’ll be the hit of every party; not only will you rattle-on like a Carnaval blanket hawker but, long after the other guests have gone home, you’ll scrub the hostess’s kitchen cabinets, linen closets and bathrooms.
5. Find a doctor who will sell you lithium – why not sleep through the entire holiday season?
6. Check yourself into a hospital. The red Jell-O and dry chicken breast will ensure that instead of gaining weight, you’ll be so weak when you leave; they’ll push you out in a wheelchair.
7. Start a really big argument with your husband or your best friend. Bring up the ugly past. Guaranteed to ruin even the best appetite.
8. Avoid friends who say, “Oh, I’m always forgetting to eat; look how lose my jeans fit.” Or, “I’ve stuffed myself all season and haven’t gained a pound.” You know who they are. Ignore them completely.
Get real, friends. You’ve got two choices: You can remain slim but feel deprived or you can simply embrace the eight pounds you’re going to gain. Enjoy each bite of special holiday food. And be really nice to friends that are one size larger than you. Ask them to borrow some of their clothes until you shed those extra pounds…sometime in April. Or May. Don’t feel timid; after all, they’ll need to borrow clothes from friends that are even larger than they are.
Happy Holidays!
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